It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
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jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.