Blew out my flip flop…
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When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup