Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
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Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
You got this…
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*