Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
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I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
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Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
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mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.