Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

this will hang in the louvre one day

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

How do dragons blow out candles?