her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
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ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*