All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
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“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
She was rare, like a goth jogging
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Chicken bread
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?