Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
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My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!