Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow