When news reporters do sports stories
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[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Who chose this font
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*