Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
You Might Also Like
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer