Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*