one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
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Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
As the Lord intended
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
HR said no more nunchucks.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person