my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
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COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
cry laughing at this shit
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.