Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud