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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.