“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
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*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.