[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
You Might Also Like
I feel seen
Still my favourite meme.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done