I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
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My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.