‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
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Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.