You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
You Might Also Like
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Lmao 🤣
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
#titanic
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂