@jjhartinger

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

You Might Also Like

@kodeeezzzy

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

@GashleyMadison

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

@daddygofish

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

@HomeProbably

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

@psybermonkey

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

@bingowings14

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

@lukeplusone

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey