[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
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‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes