are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
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I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.