[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
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Beware of the dog..
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship