It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
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Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”