[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
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Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?