Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
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Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
japanese corn
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream