I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
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Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.