in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
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GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
this is the best interaction on twitter