Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
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Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Phonetics
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much