Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
socratic questions
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.