You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
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[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
doing some research
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Remember folks 😂
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount