i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
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[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I put the hot in psychotic.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons