ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc