i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
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Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
This pepper has seen some shit
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”