My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
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I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle