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Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
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FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.