[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?