Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
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Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Straight people are cancelled
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry