[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
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I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
crying
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening