My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it