6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
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My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread