I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched