Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
the dark web is just a goth google.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I just stopped by to water my horse.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.