Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism