Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
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Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
We decided to have money instead of children.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is