💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
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That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Do one person every day that scares you.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are