Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
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I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Personal question. #JustSaying
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.