Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
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Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
me after eating Cheetos
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter: