Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
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The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I’m good, thanks.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide