I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.