I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

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*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?


Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?


Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.


I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.


Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.


My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth


if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more


Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.


Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.


Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack