Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
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[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.