Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
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I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Boss: What do you think happened here?
Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.