Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
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When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Who says great literature is dead?
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Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
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(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.