Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.