Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
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“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude